Being Yourself In a Relationship

So I was watching Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 13, episode 4 (some spoilers!) and the contestant that unfortunately ended up ultimately going home, Kahmora Hall, was talking in the episode about how she is only able to do drag once a month, because her live-in boyfriend doesn’t really support it. It was clear as Kahmora spoke that she was like downplaying how upsetting it all was to her. Kahmora also seemed to think that her boyfriend couldn’t possibly love the real her, the her that included being out and proud about doing Drag as a passion. By implying that her boyfriend would not let Kahmora do Drag more than about once a month, she was also demonstrating that she felt she couldn’t realistically ask for him to be supportive of her Drag career- like that would be too much to ask from a relationship: especially in a gay relationship. I am a cis-gender, straight woman, so obviously I could be wrong (although I am an ally and always well intentioned), but it seemed to me that the implication was that it’s hard enough to be in a gay relationship, so she shouldn’t call attention to their “gay-ness” by bringing something extra queer/ transgressive in to the relationship.

Listening to Kahmora broke my heart and although the context here is that of two men in a queer relationship, it reminded me of the dynamics I’ve seem very closely play out in my life and the lives of my friends. How many times have you heard the phrase “Oh well (generic douchebag name guy) doesn’t really like it when I sing/ dance to silly music/ wear makeup”- or whatever the action may be? It got me thinking- why don’t we expect that a healthy, positive relationship is one where we can be ourselves? Why is it such a revelation that someone likes ALL of who we are, including our quirks or passions? In movies and tv shows such as like Bridget Jones’s Diary and Sex and the City the women are always astonished when someone finds a partner who accepts them/ their friend for who they are- as if being yourself is such a hideous thing. Now I’m not talking about accepting malicious behaviour like someone being a domestic abuser or murderer, nor am I referring to someone accepting a person’s serious baggage or challenges. I’m talking how the characters in the above cited medias, as well as many others, are made to feel ashamed/ embarrassed about their silly quirks, minor eccentricities, or guilty pleasures. As girls we are taught through a lot of the media we consume that the heroine is different from others, which makes her special, but also strange and so it is only a very special kind of man who can accept her rare and different ways- the strongest example to me being that of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. I cannot over-emphasize how much I adored that movie as a child (I have mixed feeling about it now as an adult due to its messages but I do still love it), but it was clear that Belle’s love of reading and learning were what made her “different” from everyone else and it was something that could only be accepted by the right person- the Beast- who could see beyond just her looks to really love her for who she was- i.e. smart and a book lover (we won’t argue with the full legitimacy of this premise right now because that’s how it was intended). Oh boy- did I believe I WAS Belle- beautiful but hard for people to “get me” because I liked to read…and I’m not the only girl in North America that I’ve spoken to who has had that experience (it really works for any of the 90’s Disney heroines).

I was told by society and even my mother that I’m smart, but if you’re too smart you’ll scare away a man and consequently as a teenager/ young adult I kept that in mind whenever I spoke to a guy that I liked. When talking to my friends in our teen and early adult years the message that we’d internalized was clear- don’t ever reveal too much because a guy might not like ALL of you- the fact that you do fashion shows in your room? Disgusting! Don’t even think of telling him about your cat toy collection!! Its only a guy who is special enough to be considered marriage material that will “put up” with those weird things you like- you gross female you.

A good partner- in any kind of relationship should support you in all of your passions, dreams, and pursuits. I’m not saying your boyfriend/ girlfriend needs to necessarily show up to your piano recital with a giant poster sign and pompoms per se, but even just a kind word of support and encouragement sometimes is what we should all expect in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship means accepting each other, bad music tastes or weird food combinations and all. And honestly is that so much to expect? I love that my boyfriend accepts my affinity for Hannah Montana- and in return I respect his obsession with heavy mental music.

I also wonder what this message of hiding key parts of who you are in order to attract a guy does to young women- to make them think that guys are perfect and never have any weird habits? That’s realistic!!!! Like guys are so perfect! Have you seen a straight boy bathroom lately? It does get better as I get older- but there’s still a 7/ 10 likelihood that the washroom will be disgusting (which admittedly is an improvement from the 9.5/10 CERTAINTY that a bathroom of a guy/ guys is going to be absolutely HORRENDOUS (it didn’t seem to matter if it was a guy who lived alone or a guy who lived with other men…)). The point I was trying to comically make is that no one, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, is without flaws or silly habits. Men are never taught to hide their weird bits or their guilty pleasures- why is this a thing forced on women? I think it is a relic of the patriarchy- telling women that if you can’t find and keep a man as a husband then your life is over and you’re a failure as a woman!! Keep your man at all costs ladies!!!

We should teach children of all genders and sexual orientations that the right partner will like them just the way they are- including everything from their passions, to their weird habits. A healthy relationship is one where each partner respects the other, and doesn’t try to make one of the partners try to hide or dim their passions and interests (again I’m not talking about illegal or immoral things- think more guys being obsessed with Dragon Ball-Z or something).

Of course in the specific case of MISS Kahmora Hall, she wasn’t being made to feel ashamed of her silly quirks or a guilty pleasure- this was a passion that was clearly important to her, and quite likely also a part of her identity and I think Kahmora should be free to be herself! Isn’t that what Mama Ru is always saying to us on Drag Race? That it’s REALLY important to love ourselves and express ourselves. As someone who is musical and a bit creative, I know that being creative really helps to express yourself, and it seems like to many of the people on Drag Race that is what drag is-a way to freely express yourself. I feel that maybe the reason Kahmora was so quiet and relied so heavily on beauty and fashion, was that she’d been told so much at home by her shitty boyfriend to shrink down her light, her passion for drag, and her personality. I think that maybe if Kahmora had been more open and in touch with herself, she may not have gone home so quickly! When she did finally open up a bit more near the end of her tenure on Drag Race and we got to see the real her- she was actually kind of funny and very personable! I think if she’d be more confident in being herself than she could’ve competed for longer. Kahmora girl- if you’re listening- dump your BF!! I don’t know what the LGBTQ dating scene is like, but Chicago seems like a cool, big city, and I bet there is a person out there for you who will love and appreciate you AND your drag- full-stop, no qualifiers or anything.

I hope we all find the courage to be ourselves in front of our partners, and if they don’t like it- then let the proverbial chips fall where they may, because I know there is someone out there who will like you for all of you!

Always,

Rose