Education As A Means To Preventing against Partner-Violence
Something I have always been passionate about is helping other women in challenging and difficult situations. I think maybe it started early when my mother-who is a lawyer- would tell me about how some of her clients at Legal Aid Ontario didn’t have enough money to have food and a place to live. Then, when I was about 7, my mother took me to drop off toys etc. at a women’s shelter. To a child, the place looked fun- the children were eating Kraft dinner (my favourite), and watching good cartoons on the tv, and had lots of cool looking toys. I told my mother that the building looked like a lot of fun and it wasn’t fair that they got to play with all of those toys and I didn’t. My mother looked at me in a firm manner and said: “Rosie- there are so many toys, because there are so many children. You have PLENTY of toys for one child! Secondly- you don’t ever want to be here. I pray you don’t ever have to go here- the people are here because they can’t go back home-because if they go back home the Father will HURT OR KILL the Mom and even maybe the kids. Do you understand?”. My mother is great at many things, but clearly you can see that subtlety and being “age appropriate” are not part of her talents. I told her I did understand and actually did, mostly. I couldn’t understand; emotionally though, how someone’s Dad could physically hurt their Mom. It was a luxury I didn’t know I’d possessed. For many children growing up in a household with domestic violence is just a normal part of life.
Growing up I experienced some negative relationships filled with emotional and verbal abuse, but I always felt fortunate that it never became physically dangerous for me. The thing about domestic abuse that many people don’t understand is that the majority of abusive relationships do not start off that way. I think we do a great disservice to both men and women when we do not educate them properly as teens about the warning signs. There is significant research in this areas- for which I will link resources below. Growing up in Toronto public schools in the late 90’s- 2000’s I didn’t learn about any of the early warning signs of domestic violence. All I recall learning in sex education class is that domestic abuse is real, and if it happens then leave. What they neglected to mention is that many people CANNOT leave relationships once they get abusive, as it can cost them their lives. Studies have shown that the most deadly and dangerous time for abuse victims is when they do leave their abusers.
I am absolutely not the first one to come up with this solution but I do think it is simple and very doable- educate the youth! We need to teach them the early warning signs of verbal abuse and manipulative behaviour, because research tells us that those are the warning signs of someone who very likely will become physically abusive soon after in the relationship. Even when verbally abusive partners do not become violent, they are still being mean and horrible, and no one should have to put up with that. We need to educate and empower teens, especially females, about the early warning signs and how to leave once their partner starts demonstrating a pattern of verbally manipulating and degrading behaviours. It sounds corny, but if we can empower someone to leave before it is too late, we can help save a life, or at least help that person save themselves a lot of pain and heartache.
Some early warning signs of an abusive relationship include the abusive partner:
suggesting that the girl wear baggy/ men’s clothing- in order to hide her body
isolating them from their family and friends: i.e. “They don’t care about you the way I do- I pay attention to your needs! “, “No one understands our relationship.”, “it’s just us against the world”, “your Mom was mean to me- so you can’t go hangout with her! It means you care about her more than you do about me- and don’t you care about me!?”.
giving backhanded compliments to make the other person feel insecure: “babe you’d be so hot if you lost 10 pounds- I’ll help you to get more in shape!”.
telling the other person what they can/cannot wear
telling the other person what they can/cannot do, who they may talk to, and where they can/ cannot go
being obsessive- even if it is just with love and compliments. Abusers often start out being “lovingly obsessive”, which then later turns into a scary and angry type of obsession.
On paper, I know this can sound very obvious, but it’s important to encourage people to be aware of these things and demand to be treated with respect. Real love is kindness and respect, which is not often modeled to us in the media- one only needs to look at the horrifyingly staggering high numbers of women and girls who were OBSESSED with the Twilight and Fifty Shades movies to see how these signs are easily overlooked. In fact when I (and other film critics etc.) point out the concerning behaviours in these movies, it is often met with anger and frustration. I’m not trying to be condescending- I need to turn my brain off sometimes with a romantic movie too! But let’s do it with one where abusive behaviours aren’t glamourized and repackaged to people as a sign of love/ lust- its a sign that the perpetrator of these actions are mean jerks, and very likely far more dangerous than what is being shown. (Can’t we all just watch the hilariously bad What’s Your Number? It’s got a mostly empowering message to women and Chris Evans is shirtless/ almost naked for like a good 25% of the screen time!! I swear it’s amazing.).
I could write an entire thesis on this- and many have but I’ll leave it at this: educate and empower teens to make positive decisions- we do that with fire drills, sex education (when done correctly), and just having honest talks with them about not putting up with any mean, hurtful behaviours from ANYONE. There won’t be a social change until everyone sees these behaviours as unacceptable in a relationship and that isn’t likely to happen tomorrow-sexism is alive and well; but maybe you can help a friend by being honest that no, what that guy said wasn’t cool and she should talk to him about it and not ignore it.
Please- get help, know the signs.
For more information about early warning signs of abuse and help for domestic violence victims go to:
https://www.awhl.org/
https://www.rainn.org/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
https://www.sadvtreatmentcentres.ca/
https://www.torontocentralhealthline.ca/listservices.aspx?id=10669
https://sexualassaultsupport.ca/
https://www.nationalobserver.com/2020/04/28/news/spike-domestic-violence-happening-toronto-due-covid-19-experts-say
Someone who is violent toward others will soon turn that violence and anger towards you.